December 29th, 2002


Part Two

I've not been windsurfing for nearly a month now. I miss my sail and my surfboard. A trip out to the ocean can be greatly theraputic.

It's 2 more days before a new year dawns upon us.
A resolution that ranks high on my priority list is to spend more time with my brother Brenden. Just thursday last week, I decided to pour through his secondary two syllabus with him before the term starts. Just at that point in time, the Unbeatables III was showing in the box. It was supposed to be the episode where "Yan Fei" commits sucide (or whatever). I expected Brenden to have his eyes glued to the box, but he didn't. (surprise!)

Nevertheless, we went over the several revision books that I got him for Christmas. Of course I got him a nice wallet; the assessment books were meant as a study-bonus. I did not want to pressure him with undue stress; I wanted him to try as much as he wanted to, and be there to offer solutions to any problems that he might encounter along the way. Ultimately I hope to foster a strong bonding between the two of us. In a way, his future lies in our hands.

Meeting Bren later to gym together, and subsequently buy him his school shoes.
It's going to be a bright sunny day.

Part Two and a Half

What is this life, if full of care,
that we have no time to stand and stare.

I wonder why I am so deeply contemplative. I'm sure it's not a facade. It's the real me.
Since a long time ago, I've had this inner voice in me, that talks and reasons with me. It's not the "good" and "evil" like the split personality found in Gollum in LOTR2. It's neutral, and gives me a different perspective from the way I see things. As such, I'm able to struggle with issues and perceptions, and emerge to become a person with a more open mind. But, probably, because of this, I need the basis of rationale to justify my actions. Emotions are powerful tools for decision making, but very illogical and dangerous in the same aspect. If emotions was meant to be my tool, my inner struggle will never cease; it will only torment me.

And it is with this self-awareness of the self within the self that I find myself lonely. Alienated from everyone. This is not on purpose, but it is something that I've always struggled with since a long long time ago (since childhood). As much as I've tried to break out of this inner wall, by being more open about my past scarred history, there's still that invisible wall that reins me in. Perhaps that is why I look at some of my peers with envy. They've the carefree innocence and beauty in them. The world was meant to be a beautiful place, and they should be given the privilege to see beauty in it. I can't. To want to see the beautiful world when it is not is only to fool myself, and I cannot do that. My heart's tainted, and there's no spell of reversal or whatsoever that will turn things back the way they were before.

Sometimes there is this strong urge to shut myself from the rest of the world that the urge itself scares. But with the passing days I learn more about myself; it is a process of self-discovery. It is the journey of life. I strive to learn more about the seemingly fluid state of flux in my persona. My outer shell is getting stronger; unemotional, rationale and non-reactive. It's the acidic orange peel that shields the juicy flesh within.

Ultimately I want to be no one else.
I am myself.
It is only when I discover myself that I will learn to accept whatever I am and be free.

(and disclaimer, I'm not melancholic or sad. I'm just deeply contemplative. There's no reason for sadness)