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Dreams are what you wake up from.

14 years of Livejournalling, and hopefully, more to come.

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Part Two and a Half

What is this life, if full of care,
that we have no time to stand and stare.

I wonder why I am so deeply contemplative. I'm sure it's not a facade. It's the real me.
Since a long time ago, I've had this inner voice in me, that talks and reasons with me. It's not the "good" and "evil" like the split personality found in Gollum in LOTR2. It's neutral, and gives me a different perspective from the way I see things. As such, I'm able to struggle with issues and perceptions, and emerge to become a person with a more open mind. But, probably, because of this, I need the basis of rationale to justify my actions. Emotions are powerful tools for decision making, but very illogical and dangerous in the same aspect. If emotions was meant to be my tool, my inner struggle will never cease; it will only torment me.

And it is with this self-awareness of the self within the self that I find myself lonely. Alienated from everyone. This is not on purpose, but it is something that I've always struggled with since a long long time ago (since childhood). As much as I've tried to break out of this inner wall, by being more open about my past scarred history, there's still that invisible wall that reins me in. Perhaps that is why I look at some of my peers with envy. They've the carefree innocence and beauty in them. The world was meant to be a beautiful place, and they should be given the privilege to see beauty in it. I can't. To want to see the beautiful world when it is not is only to fool myself, and I cannot do that. My heart's tainted, and there's no spell of reversal or whatsoever that will turn things back the way they were before.

Sometimes there is this strong urge to shut myself from the rest of the world that the urge itself scares. But with the passing days I learn more about myself; it is a process of self-discovery. It is the journey of life. I strive to learn more about the seemingly fluid state of flux in my persona. My outer shell is getting stronger; unemotional, rationale and non-reactive. It's the acidic orange peel that shields the juicy flesh within.

Ultimately I want to be no one else.
I am myself.
It is only when I discover myself that I will learn to accept whatever I am and be free.

(and disclaimer, I'm not melancholic or sad. I'm just deeply contemplative. There's no reason for sadness)

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Yeah, can see you're the contemplative kind. Not necessarily a bad thing though, as long as you don't end up being overly cynical. If you're able to see the ugliness in things, then there should be equal propensity to see the beauty too yeah? ;)

Logic and emotions are like ying and yang. Together, they give a balanced perspective of things. Humans are complex creatures and operate at multiple levels. Not everything is governed by logical thinking, so methinks feelings and emotions have a part to play to in dealing with life situations and understanding people.

p.s. I like that poem too! "Leisure" by something-something Davies no?

There was once when I was understanding Buddhism better that I "lapse" into a state of contemplation each time a wave of thought or a situation seemingly out of control hits me.

It affects me such a way that I became withdrawn .. not because of sadness, but really, because when you want to see things "clearly", you "enter" a state where you imagine yourself from a birds' eye POV looking at the entire situation, then zooming yourself back into where you are in the whole scheme of things, and you become clear. And you become happier.

I swear, many times its easier to let emotions take control because it involves less killing of brain cells and headaches trying to look at the whole situation.

Of course with practice it doesn't become so bad. Contemplation becomes part and parcel of everyday life. And it becomes second nature. Of course, I always keep check on myself too, if I have been misbehaving.

Ultimately, we want to lead a conscientious life where we won't look back in anger and regret. Its not easy. We just try hard.

Fuck .. this can be an LJ entry in its own right.

Yups. Emotions and feelings do have a part to play.

Hence this entry. =)

i wish that you will be happier in the coming year.

i think happiness does come from within, ie. how YOU see things. sorry i haven't read many of your entries, i just have read 4 to 5 of your entries. If you are not unhappy, please accept my apology for picturing you as one in my mind.

every day is a brand new day, so just leave what have been dragging you behind, and live every day of your life happily (but if you enjoy being contemplative, and if it's a way you are happy in, it's ok).

every day can be a brand new start.

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